tap my glass

Are there people out there that don’t want to be happy? Is the desire for happiness so inherent, perhaps the only prevelant inherent thing in everyones personality? Can we be happy if we have desires? Is there a grey area? Some would argue not. I definitely believe there is. If we are just our genes, and just our propagation capabilities, then this stasis requires ambivilence, and happiness is the cattle prod to ensure we don’t end it too soon. I for one, welcome happiness, and can think of no better way to spend this sentience. If it is our idea passing capabilites, then i have a lot more to learn, cause this meme business is over my happy head. Ahh, ignorance…

This has been an exciting year for me. For a lot of people. Ups, downs, stasis. I’m writing this in the back room of my place that has been gutted, had new drywall, ceiling, floors, window, etc.. Thats change for ya. And thats only on the surface, what lies beneath is much more interesting. I like that certain things i read and people i listen to reveal that everyone is exploring, all the time. I think going to new places is great, its one of the great advantages to living in an urban area. Of course, you can do this in the bush, but you have to be a lot more observant or creative. Here, there’s always some bloke willing to treat you to some new speciality, sight sound or smell, something that you wouldn’t find in your own backyard (if you’re lucky enough to have one). I think taking advantage of this, and being happy about your discoveries, good or bad, is precious.

Back to the bevelutions. In order for me to maintain this degree of happiness for another year, i think i’ll have to get my health back. It has been slowly depreciating in value as the interest rates my bodies credit pay increase (ie age). Old grey liver, ain’t what she used to be, ain’t what she used to be… actually my liver’s ok, its my lungs that i think suck ass. Need to clean em up, clean em out. Perhaps cleanse time again, perhaps procrastinatory lifestyle, who knows. I’m obsiously non-commital about cleaning, i just read what i just wrote, its from the heart, and it probably means 1 less smoke a month. Shits killing me, for sure.

I believe, as pompous as this may sound, that my recent fortunes have strung from among many other things, my desire for good karma. I believe acts, even if performed in solitude, that make you a better peson, will make you a better person to others as well. Everything you do reflects on your personality. Mabye not right now, but in time, definitely. I try to do the best i can for a) myself and b) people around me. I don’t want to f*ck anyone over, ever. And if i can take a burn, or a burden, or a bruise if it means someone else might have a slight decrease in suffering or pain, i’ll take it. I’m a “confrontation avoider”. Bring it, i’ll fold. And i’ll be happier for it. Boring yes, ignorant probably, happy for 2006 definitely, 2007 hopefully too. Have an uberkickass holdiay if you got one, slack if you don’t, thanks for reading this far in this boring assed biatch of an infrequent rant.

When i was in grade four i fainted for the first time. I was at school, in the evening, and we were doing some choral recital thing. I’m sure i was a lousy singer, probably hated it, but everyone had to do it. I was standing in the back row, elevated slightly. My mom was there, all the other parents too. I don’t remember it too well, but i believe it was mid way through the 2nd or 3rd song when i started feeling dizzy. I didn’t think too much of it, but then i distictly remember wondering if my head would reach the bookshelves to my right. When i openned my eyes my forhead hurt and i was mostly horizantal with a crowd of very concerned adults surrounding me. I didn’t really know what happenned, but eventually figured it out. A good friend of mine was standing in front of me, luckily he broke my fall else i might’a broken my neck. My mom took me outside, i got some air and that was that. I had a big rug burn on my forehead.

That was the first time, but certainly not the last time i’ve fainted in my life. The next time wasn’t long after wandering through a mall with my mom, i just passed out. I began to recoginize the warning signs after that, and could normally sit my ass down or splash some water on my face before i fell. I did some kung fu training when i was about 16 or so, in my first class i passed out. Everyone was *really* concerned there, i tried to tell them it was normal and nothing to worry about. Was it?

When i was at school in queens i spent an eve over at some friends house watching movies, having a few beers, and smoking some shite. I wasn’t obliterated, but i was feeling pretty good when i left - i was probably feeling about average for bedtime given the serious daubachery that occurred during those formitive years. About 100 yards of walking later, and i was losing it. I fell to the ground in a heap on the sidewalk, and woke up a little while later, probably out for only a few seconds. I believe a couple people were hanging out near by and came by to help. I managed to drag myself up to their step and sat down. They were very nice and asked if they should call an ambulance. I said no, this is normal, and i just needed to sit for a little while. I can’t blame them for not believing me, and going inside and calling an ambulance. They then stood inside the door and peered out at me until it showed up. The dudes did the light in the eye thing and asked questions. I was quite coherant by this point, and explained the possible contributing factor of recent wisdom teeth removal and continuing meds taking (ibprofen). They said ok eventually, and the dudes called a cab and that was that. That was the last time i fainted before tonite.

Just as in most cases, serious creep up occurred. I got to the tavern, drank a beer and had a smoke. Before i left my house i wolfed down some pb and banana sandwiches cause it was about the only food in the house, and didn’t really eat much else all day. After the beer i was quite bloated, and didn’t really feel too good. Decided to head downstairs to pee, feeling that it might gimme some space. I got to the urinal, and as soon as i started peeing, i felt massively woozy. I was like “this feels like those fainting warning signs”. And i was like “no”… and then i was like “o shit”. Finished peeing, luckily, and stumbled to the sink where i denied the possibility for a few more moments while i hastily washed my hands. Then as i tried to leave i was thinking “theres no way i’ll make it up the stairs”, and didn’t as i collapsed more or less outside the door. It wasn’t a total black out, but damn close. Some dude offerred witty remarks and some help as i eventually made it back into the can to splash water my face, almost pass out again, sit down for a minute or 2, then get back up, and really splash water on my face. I started to feel better after that. I chatted with the guy and i guess convinced him that i wasn’t drunk or stoned, that this is normalish for me.

Went upstairs, seriously woozy but capable, and got a water at the bar. I was apparently white as a ghost, which was no surprise to me. I went outside and informed my friends of the issue, and decide to bail on the massive card action in the midst. Went to herb n spice, got some salty and sugarry foods, some fruit, and walked home without incident.

Would you be worried? Only now that i’m older and my body has represented signs of weakness do i really think its something i should consider looking in to. Mabye i will when i get my next physical, which probably won’t be until something really serious is wrong… which is stupid.

I woke up this morning round 5 with a funny feeling. It took me a few seconds to realize what it was, and when i did i was quite shocked. I felt like i was gonna puke. I had really thin saliva throughout my mouth, and my body was telling me to get to a toliet, fast. I was more in shock than anything, i didn’t drink (much) the previous night, so i was like “what the fuck?”.

I hit the can, but managed to hold it back, or at least it didn’t come flying out. I wondered “what did i eat”? I did have a bit of sushi the night before, but i also did the night before, and the night before that… hmmm. Coulda been a bad veggie, a bad chunk of highly concentrated pesticide?

Anyways, when i woke up, it was still kinda there, but tolerable. Gone by the time i got to work. Very strange. I’ve never felt like i had to vomit without intoxication. Hmmm… this is probably just another one of those older things. I’ve noticed now that i’m “older” (ha!), every few days you experience a normally uncomfortable feeling you’ve *never* experienced before. Bodies are capable of a lot of feelings, hopefully i’ll have a few decades more of them.

I gots me a ceiling fan in my kitchen. It keeps my place cool in the day, but at night it roasts. I cleaned the dirt off the top this past weekend, not as bad as i thought it would be.

It just dumped some rain down, its cooler and my trees didn’t get hit by lightning, so i’m happy. When it be a hot outside, people be slow, and thirsty. I was thirsty tonite, had to get out, went to an old stomping ground for some stomping. It was nice. I stomped. A little anyways, home by 11:30. Moosehead in a bottle is good, cause it stays reasonably refreshing for its duration…

Even my writing is slow… ssssslllllooooowwwww… i should sleep now. Yes.

Btw - wilco was awsome.

On my way home tonite i saw something i haven’t seen in a while. A pro and con of my hood. She was standing right outside the store i buy my cigs at, accross from where i do my laundry drop off, and dry cleaning. I don’t think she’s in either of those businesses. I had the urge to ask ‘are you lost?’, or ‘whats going on?’, but i didn’t. I also had the urge to say ‘get the hell outta my neighbourhood!!’. But i didn’t do any of that. If she was on *my* street, i probably woulda been a bit more defensive. I remember a few years back when i lived a couple blocks away, me and my drunken friends yelling obscenities at these ladies that were trying to make an honest but perhaps unethical dime. Now, i feel like this is more of my home, and perhaps theres something i should be doing to protect it.

But then again, if she’s not here, she’ll be somewhere else, in someone elses neighbourhood. There must be a market after all, supply and demand and all that crap. Who’s to say she isn’t as much a part of my neighbourhood as i am. In fact she (or they) have been here much longer than i have. Gladstone is notorious. And she really doesn’t bother me that much… its more the people she brings. The crackheads (thats what i call people that mostly bum change but occasionally bum change and are totally tweaked on something) would really piss me off if they hung out on my street, but when they’re only surrounding the bars i hang out at on bank street its not such a “close to home” annoyance, and simply tolerated.

She’s probably still standing there now… waiting for the con. Hopefully she has a good nite i guess. I of course would prefer her to have a sobering night, decide its time to quit, get some other income supplement, and never bait her hook in my, or anyone elses neighbourhood again. But that is wishful thinking. I remember amsterdam about 8 or 9 years ago. That was something. Girls in the windows with red lights over their heads. But even that amount of organization still concealed alleys and nooks and crannies filled with even more undesirables that didn’t fit into the system. There will always be flaws, and always cracks in the system waiting to be filled if the desire is there. If humans developed their brains faster, we’d never of needed the pleasure aspect of sex to realize we needed to procreate to survive - we woulda known reproduction was the only means, and pleasure would of never been an issue. Just think of the things we could of accomplished… bah, we probably would’ve used our increased intellectual capacity to trick evoltion into blessing us with sex organs that gave us pleasure… damn we’re smart. We live for sex, and because of sex we live on.

I realized something tonite. When you get older, you have a natural tendancy to feel people owe you respect. You (and by you, i really mean me, but i’m hoping this is a general phenomenon) become more and more sensitive to rudeness, and feel people should just act nicer to you, and give you more attention.

I attended “the islands” show tonite at babylon, which was quite an “old man” feat in itself as i was butt tired, my bones are sore, and its a long weekend which i really woulda liked to cap off with a quiet night in with food and a movie. But i went, and did enjoy. However, the lead singer came accross as an ass. Or at least i thought so. I would guess most of the early 20somthings didn’t notice. When the band left the stage to go “wait” out back before their encore i was peeved as they just walked off like we weren’t there. I was annoyed. I was like “c’mon, we’re right frickin here!!! don’t bother, this is rude, just play your silly encore, i only came to hear the swan song anyways”. Then when they came back on, i affinized, and realized myself 5 years ago wouldn’t of thought anything of it, and would have greeted them with more appreciation for having done so.

Blah blah, the moral is, i think i’ll try to observe this tendancy towards sensitivity to what might be considered rudeness, and make mental notes on it. People aren’t out to piss you off, they’re just trying to build mystique if anything. And if they are, their true colours always come out in the wash. Acceptance is key, and judging never leads anywhere good, even if you’re judging people you’ll probably never talk to and have far to little to judge anyways.

Working from home rules. For lunch i bbq’ed some sausages and tossed some onions shrooms and garlic some dried basil and rosemary and a bunch of organic olive oil in a pan. Once the veggies were good to go in went 2 cans of too salty but good unico chopped tomatos. And some pepper and hot red peppers. Eventually the sausages were charred n juicy so they came off, and cooled, and then sliced and into the sauce which was simmer super bubbly like. O ya. Boiled some water and tossed in some whole wheat spaghetti. Once complete and all done i topped my meal with some parma. O baby. All the while i had my laptop poised in the kitchen and answered msn’s and edited code wirelessly on the battery. Damn working from home rulez. Now its a long weekend and i’m feeling fine. Super kickass, time to get my framing on (tomorrow). But tonite, we drink and play cards and be merry!!!!!

So since i’ve been training now for this 10k i’m running in a few weeks, i’ve gotten quite used to running through the glebe in the evening. I just got back from a relatively eventful sprint run and thought i would share my delightful experience with y’all.

I run started like most others, slowly and with intent. However, the intent this eve was a sprint one, a 10×400m thingy where i run “as fast as i can” for 400m, 10 times. During this training i’ve only had to do this 2 times prior, and both times it was tuff. I had hopes of going to the track next to the school on glebe ave. near bronson. I got in, but after one lap some dude told me “if you stay in here you’ll have to hop the fence to get out”. This didn’t seem too appealing. So i wussily left to roam the streets of the glebe and do approximated 400m.

You know whats sweet about running through the glebe in the spring in the eve? The smells. Damn, them rich glebe folk sure bbq some fine meats. I think i like the smell of meat more than the taste these days. I’d rather devour a pound of the table’s avacado salad than a pound of any meats these days, a mix of veggies and spices is way more appealing than chewing thru fatty parts of a steak or having to cut through bone where you thought there shouldn’t be any on a cheap cut of ribs. Don’t get me wrong, i enjoy that, just not as much anymore…

I digress. From what? O ya, my run, not much happenned after that. Lots of people that walk on glebe ave just west of bank have mean looks on their faces. Everyone looks at you when you run, and i look at most people back. Some of the old dudes give me the feeling that “damn, no runners on my streets, i’m gonna raise this up at the next community council meeting that i’m on my way to right now”. I’m probably just being over sensitive.

Then i got home and had a shower. Then i ate what you see beside this, the first half of my dinner (2nd half tbd). This is last nights spinach, red onion (soaked to sweeten), cuke, and grape tomato salad with a 5:1 rice vinager to olive oil dressing. Surprisingly, super kick ass!!! The milk, in bk’s old lotr glasses, is so good’s chocolate mixed with fat free. Its good shit too. Hot damn i’m getting old.

Thanks for reading this far, if you really did - with some local bloggers out of the country or the blogging scene altogether, there seems to be less inspirational reasons to blog, but recent comments have refeuled some fire. Or mabye thats my colon. Naw, its the comments, thanks for getting this far, and thanks to those that originally inspired me to babble endlessly to no one in particular about nothing in particular for what would seem to be no particular reason but no doubt is actually quite reasonable. Ahhhh, thats better.

I’ve always had a serious problem with people who misuse lanes on the queensway. When i get off at kent, i like the fourth, rightmost lane to be all mine after bronson. I’ll cruise along slightly faster than the rest of the snarly traffic, and should have an unobstructed path to kent street. But you get those days, where there’ll be a dozen cars all left blinky blinky holdin me up, and it pisses me off. Sure, a couple coulda been from outta town and oblivious to the signs, but most are just making use of the real estate at other, more considerate drivers expenses.

Thats not really that bad though - worse, is the westbound conjunction of the 416 to the queensway. Damn this pisses me off somethin fierce. You get slowdowns every morning, sometimes as far back as the bayshore offramp (rare), and then low and behold, a new lane develops half a click before the moodie offramp!!! “This lane must be for me to pass all these people” says annoying assholes in hummer h2’s and various other scorn worthy vehicles. They cross lines and pull out at the first sight of a clear chunk of pavement, nary a shouldercheck to look for incoming legitimate mergers they will be disguising themselves as 10 seconds later. Holy crap, something fierce, i hate that. Am i right in this? Or is this survival of the fittest? I think its selfish and uncanadian, and it pisses me off.

And don’t get me started on march and campeau. Holy crap. Something equally fierce.

In other news, i think i’m going to reframe my back bedroom from the inside out. Theres only a few nails holding up the second story of my house so i’m gonna add some more support from the inside. The room is gutted now, ready for 2 by 4 action. First thing though, i need to decide if i want to replace the window. Its shite. I might replace a bunch of windows. And by me, i mean someone who knows what the fuck they’re doing. Cause i don’t think i should mess with windows… should i??

I just realized i haven’t sat down and relaxed without anything in the backdrop to do, for a very long time. Since i got my house, which is approaching 1 year ago, there has always been something that needed to get the pump done. Always something to look into, research, figure out, decide, buy, fanagle, shim, cut, or pry out just waiting for me to find the time. Tonite after a hard day of not turning my panel off when working on it (i think i will from now on), i decided to relax the pump out tonite. I’ve almost forgotten how?? But i did remember, and it has been kinda nice. Except i eat far too much when i’m relaxing.

Serious electrical work has been accomplished. I know can/have done junction boxes, know that that thing that home depot *doesn’t* sell to connect wires to a box is a connector, have discovered crazy circuits, not gotten zapped, and have almost completely isolated the upstairs panel from the downstairs (only two outlets left, yippee!!!). The back room is also sans drywall, power, flooring and ceiling, its all ready to be applied to. It is my playground, and hopefully it will be completed in the next few months. Ahhh, fun stuff.

In other news i’m trying to train for this 10k race coming up at the end of may. It should be ok, the “training” is hard, mostly because i haven’t given my body a rest from intoxicants like i should. Its tuff, trying to enjoy and partake in my lifestyle is not condusive to removal of certain seemingly important elements for long periods of time. But in the grand scheme, another 5 or 6 weeks is by no means long, and it really should be done.