tap my glass

So every day i change, and every day gets a little different, sometimes harder, most of the times easier. I’m coming to terms with things better now, not so angsty, more understanding. Running long distances helps put things in perspective, and i’ve been doing a lot of that lately.

I can scoff instead of resent the brooding 17 year old fashionista i pass at 7am in the percy underpass, with her frail grip on her morning smoke. I can accept that most smokers live in complete denial that their butts are garbage and pollution, and they’ll always be on the sidewalk to be avoided or flattened once again by my heavy feet. I can smile at the 20-something hip government dude on his way to the archives, halling back on heaven – his initial reason to get out of bed in the morning. Or the older more somber folks outside early in the morning at that weird group home with the awful green awning and park bench on glebe ave.. And all my friends and family and everyone else i know that smokes, i can accept it. I will probably still get annoyed if they interrupt a perfectly good conversation, activity, or pastime, to “take a break” and satisfy their addiction, but i’ll learn to deal with it.

Its really amazing though how long it took my body to recover from it, but now that i’m through the worst, how much more efficient my body is… its really great, i wished i had done it sooner, but am very thankful its at least done with. My lungs work way better, my digestive system is definitely more functional, and i’m stronger. And i get more done because i’m taking less breaks… an arguable benefit.

When something has been a part of me for almost half my life, its hard to let go, and i’ll be doing it forever (or at least as long as i did it for). And now, i’m happy about that too.

I do have to say though, without the smoke breaks to take from hardcore renovations, beers sure are going down smoother.

Are there people out there that don’t want to be happy? Is the desire for happiness so inherent, perhaps the only prevelant inherent thing in everyones personality? Can we be happy if we have desires? Is there a grey area? Some would argue not. I definitely believe there is. If we are just our genes, and just our propagation capabilities, then this stasis requires ambivilence, and happiness is the cattle prod to ensure we don’t end it too soon. I for one, welcome happiness, and can think of no better way to spend this sentience. If it is our idea passing capabilites, then i have a lot more to learn, cause this meme business is over my happy head. Ahh, ignorance…

This has been an exciting year for me. For a lot of people. Ups, downs, stasis. I’m writing this in the back room of my place that has been gutted, had new drywall, ceiling, floors, window, etc.. Thats change for ya. And thats only on the surface, what lies beneath is much more interesting. I like that certain things i read and people i listen to reveal that everyone is exploring, all the time. I think going to new places is great, its one of the great advantages to living in an urban area. Of course, you can do this in the bush, but you have to be a lot more observant or creative. Here, there’s always some bloke willing to treat you to some new speciality, sight sound or smell, something that you wouldn’t find in your own backyard (if you’re lucky enough to have one). I think taking advantage of this, and being happy about your discoveries, good or bad, is precious.

Back to the bevelutions. In order for me to maintain this degree of happiness for another year, i think i’ll have to get my health back. It has been slowly depreciating in value as the interest rates my bodies credit pay increase (ie age). Old grey liver, ain’t what she used to be, ain’t what she used to be… actually my liver’s ok, its my lungs that i think suck ass. Need to clean em up, clean em out. Perhaps cleanse time again, perhaps procrastinatory lifestyle, who knows. I’m obsiously non-commital about cleaning, i just read what i just wrote, its from the heart, and it probably means 1 less smoke a month. Shits killing me, for sure.

I believe, as pompous as this may sound, that my recent fortunes have strung from among many other things, my desire for good karma. I believe acts, even if performed in solitude, that make you a better peson, will make you a better person to others as well. Everything you do reflects on your personality. Mabye not right now, but in time, definitely. I try to do the best i can for a) myself and b) people around me. I don’t want to f*ck anyone over, ever. And if i can take a burn, or a burden, or a bruise if it means someone else might have a slight decrease in suffering or pain, i’ll take it. I’m a “confrontation avoider”. Bring it, i’ll fold. And i’ll be happier for it. Boring yes, ignorant probably, happy for 2006 definitely, 2007 hopefully too. Have an uberkickass holdiay if you got one, slack if you don’t, thanks for reading this far in this boring assed biatch of an infrequent rant.

Its been a good year. I have to say, i’m more impressed with optimism than with any other concept this year. I’ve realized it’s the guiding lite, anything else is just a waste of time, or something that should be acknowledged needs working on. I have no room for negativity anymore. I have time for my friends, people i like, people i love, and things i enjoy. I will also make time for things i may not enjoy right now, but hold promise for the future. All else is moldy gravy, totally unworthy of contemplation.

Have you ever been told you’re Joshua? You’re this guy that is so like this guy that its scary, even pathetic. You look so alike, minus eye color, its scary? And words, emails and voicemails alike, all the mails, are erily similar? Very strange. Life continues to weird us all out. Thats never gonna stop, until we’re old and we’re saying “hef fun” with our rusty coils we try to pass off to our grandchildren as slinkys.

Yes, 2005 was a learning experience. No doubt 2006 will be busier, crazier, scarier, and more enviogorating than the last. This is because i’ve embraced confidence and optimism. And because things have turned my way. For all the ways things have turned i am thankful for. If i have one brutally obvious thing i need to work on is to be more selfless, and less self absorbed. I care for others, but rarely do i take part in selfless acts. Even for selfish reasons (ie, to be more selfless) i think they should be done. If i were to make a nwr it would be that. I should, make the time to help others not convinced of the benifits of optimism. Drama is so unnecessary with friends, be and let be, don’t let silly preconceptions and fantasy play a part in reality, when reality is all that should be necessary. Blah blah, merry fuckin xmas, happy new year, and if you’re faced with a question, the answer that best suits the “why the hell not” response, is most likely the scariest but right choice. Go for it, theres really nothing to lose.

So i had little gathering at my house yesterday, a party if you will. It was, i think, a pretty good success. As i said, when i went to bed there were frying pans and my strainer buried underneath my sheets. I guess someones idea of a ‘prank’. I appreciated it.

The night started off pretty slowly, as expected. Folks started meandering there way in round 9 or so, and in real numbers round 11. At one point you couldn’t move at all on the main level, and for about 30 minutets straight i was filling pitchers of beer, emptying pitchers, and filling more. It was rare that a pitcher made it to the fridge.

All sorts of people showed up, quite a few that were an unexpected surprise. Early in the night i gave a friend of mine permission to identify where the beer was by writing on the wall. This eventually led to pretty much every wall in the downstairs getting written on. I welcomed it, and the place looks great. Of course, i am planning on dumping massive amounts of primer throughout the entire space. Otherwise, i might be a little ticked.

A poker game started up round 2 or 3, i joined in round 5 or 6 or so. It was a good game. While i was still mingling around i heard rumour there was a bully at the table that was pissing people off. That changed as soon as i sat down, i didn’t let anybody fuck around… i’m kindof a nazi at the table sometimes, and last nite was no different. I think the game ended round 8 or so, but its a little blurry. I know the sun was way up though, thats for sure.

A good mix of folks were there. An old friend from high school whom i hadn’t seen in 5 or 6 years was there. Some strippers. Bartenders that work at a strip club. Artists. Degenerates. Next door neighbours. One guy from the band accross the street. Friend from work. Friends from various bars. And no police. Which was good. The one large and 2 small kegs were polished, didn’t crack the 3rd small, but did crack my reserve 24… that was around 6 or so. I’m glad i bought it, otherwise the final keg probably woulda gotten cracked, and most of it would of been wasted.

I made some appetizers that were well recieved. Some cream cheese rolls, some sugary almonds, some red pepper dip, and some guacamole… the almonds were well recieved, all of them went except the ones that were spilled on the floor. Where there are quit a few of… i should probably clean those up soon. Nobody really knew what was in the red pepper dip, but most people said it was ok. Needed more definition i was told, good constructive critism for sure. The guac was ok, but needed more salt. I finished the rest off today… but i’m still hungry. I didn’t make some meatballs, bacon water chestnut wraps nor the pastry thingy. Mabye i should make something now… sooo tired though. I wish my tv was still upstairs, it could use some watching.

So ya, super time. I am, of course, quite ruff today, but this is to be expected. I smoked a ton of cigarettes too, all throughout the place. I lost count round 5, so i’m gonna go with 12. Thats the greatest/worst single day performance i’ve had since i “quit a little”. O well, my throat’s paying for it today. Not as much as i would have thought tho… hmmm.

So now, i have a week off work. I’m gonna paint, and do some reno’s and generally take it easy. In my seratonin depleted state i’m debating tearing up the shite floor in the kitchen downstairs… its probably a LOT more work than i’m prepared for, but i might anyways. But definitely paint, thats for sure. O ya.

Now… what to do. I’m kinda bored, not tired enuf to sleep (got up round 5), hungry but lazy, and the tv’s downstairs. I’m done my blogging and my photo uploading. Hmm… i don’t feel like reading. Mabye take a walk? Go for a beer? Ugg… no. A walk isn’t a bad idea. Then i’d have to put some more clothes on though. Why do things have to be so difficult!!!

As a follow up to last nites post, i still have so much to learn. Ribbons of knowledge pile on top of the other and are so thin it takes such a long time and so many lessons to gain any depth. Even if you ‘don’t feel the wine’, its there, and dang it produces might head pains and body lethargy throughout the whole of the next day. Or perhaps i’m just used to the beer hangover, this is a whole other breed.

I attended my 5 year homecoming celebration at queen’s u in kingston this past weekend. I wasn’t quite sure what to expect, but i sure got my nostalgia on.

I won’t bore with all the details, but it was fun. I never had much ’spirit’ while i was there, never even went out on homecoming weekend, so really didn’t know what to do. Luckily the buddy i went up with did. As can be seen by the image above, we did the obligatory football game, and the halftime ‘parade’ around the field. This is where all the various graduating classes, from 1935 to 2000’s gather in their group and walk around the track. All the students jump the fence and pile onto the field to bang their jackets to the ground in ceremonial fashion. The school’s got lots of traditions, most of which are alien and strange to me.

After the game we basically bar hopped till the wee hours. Queens’s pub, toucan, grizzly grill, brass, and finally aj’s. This would have been a semi-typical friday while attending school, minus the football game and expensive appetizers and beer. Being back at all these places, the brass most of all, reminded me i’m getting older. Not like thats a big secret, but it was one of the things that really hit home. I kept looking at peoples grad classes on their jackets and saying “in 10 years, thats me”. Or “in 20 years, i’m gonna look like that?!?!”. It was all a little unsettling…

The other thing that became incredibly clear is that when i was at school i didn’t ‘make the most of it’. Basically i had my head buried very deeply in a bag of weed, 99 cent movies, my first dedicated internet connection, and doing well at school. Its hard to have regrets because i had a great time and everything worked out, but i kinda feel like i should have *some* regrets. And i guess i do. If i had partied and gone nuts in my first year i probably wouldn’t of had nearly the success i did have while i was there… but dang, there was a lot of fun to be had for first years, and i missed out on all of if basically because i was shy and had no balls. And really, this tradition continues today… it was kind of an eye opener.

So i’ll be back in another five years, thats the suggested schedule. We’ll see if i’ve learned anything by then. Hopefully i will:
- not have a bald spot
- be in decent shape
- go for things i want, and not waste opportunities

… but i guess there wasn’t that many. Everything always seems more monumental at 1:30 am when the music is loud, and you’re surrounded by people losing one inhibition after the other.

“If it was me, and i was out with you and your girlfriend, i’d be all over all of that”. Or something like that. Ya right, i would be too. I was out with a friend, his gf, and a bunch of her friends as it was one of their bdays. The opportunity to go out with a bunch of anonymous hot girls is something you regret passing by, so you rarely do. However, game plans are a necessity, as are balls, and confidence, and really, personality is something you can probably leave at home. I didn’t bring much except a snazzy shirt… what did i say – “or the death of me will lie in the mirrors that dress me”?? I gotta listen to myself more.

Anyway, it was a fun nite, there was this ubersexy girl playing pool… wowy zowy, she was something else, but i’ve no idea what she’s really like as she was a) dressed up a bit and b) intoxicated. For all i know shes ultra repressed and uptight and wears jogging pants to work (i seriously doubt the last one, but excuses are easier when paired with unattractive imagry).

I woke up today, and stayed in bed till 11 or so, tossing and turning, trying to guage the hangover. Not too bad really. I then, of course, had to have a yoga bout with the new sigur ros album – the concert is tomorrow!!!!! Super kickass pigeon today by the way, mabye if i get bold at some point i’ll start setting up my camera and taking pictures of myself, get all narcissistic or something (as if i’m not already).

I had a full evening.

My day started unusually, especially for a monday. I was up before normal, and was at my desk at 9:07. This is about 30 minutues earlier than usual. Work went quite smoothly, and i was home round 6.

I had many options. I decided, as with most mondays, to just follow my instincts. I had many things on my agenda:
- dinner
- excercise
- social behaviour
- house work
- dart practice

The last one is because my dart season starts tomorrow, and i haven’t practiced at all in the past few months… anyways i’m happy to say, my focused mind (which of late, has been rare) came through in the clutch.

I went for a relatively short run – after my horrible showing on saturday (barely lasted 17 minutes) i did a short run (which for me is about 30, from here, straight south on percy to the canal, to the little glebe park and through it, back to percy, and home). It was great. I guess my cold and respritory illness is waning. I got home and started to fry onions, red peppers and garlic as per this african peanut soop recipe. I’ve been meaning to try this recipe for a week or so, basically to prove that anything involving a can of diced tomatos as half the bulk is never good… i think i’ve been proven wrong.

I had my shower, then finished off the dish. It was actually pretty good. I used chicken broth (sans msg) and cayenne instead of chili powder, but it was pretty good, very satisfying. Something about crunchy peanut butter, you can’t go wrong. I’m still kinda shocked – i think improvements could be made too. More simmer time, slightly less tomatos, and some blending, would probably of made it super kick ass. It didn’t need any salt either, most soops do, i guess the pb had enough.

Anyways, after that… i did the dishes. Then…. i watched some tv. Then… i took out the recycle. Then… ok then i realized i had enuf time to paint the ceiling of my bathroom. So i did. It only took like 30 min. I was quite impressed.

Ok, after that i got dressed (its hot today, after shower, just shorts, quite comfy), and sk8ed up to aloha to meet my buddy. Had a very nice stella, whilst listening to the empricals or something. Normally bands don’t play on mondays as bimal normally does his dj thing, but this monday was different cus the band is going to china or something. Anyways, they were loungy and quite good.

After that pint, off to the oak for some much needed dart practice. To my surprise 2 good regulars were already playing, and so i got some quality games in… saw a couple jump the ‘fence’ and dine and dash… Dave tracked em down, good for him!! Bunch of savages in this town…

As i was paying my tab saw S and said hi. She was with her sis, post backstreet boys concert… ahhh girls. Guys like me are so silly. I don’t even know why she’s appealing, just stupid irrational chemistry i guess, but arggg!!!

Sk8ed home wanting a cigarette REAL bad… if i had only bumped into dart folk outside but i was so streamlined i didn’t think to look. Good thing, i’m sure i’d regret it in the morning. I wonder if i can do it though? And by do it, i mean, when i really want a smoke, thinking it’ll add to my immediate enjoyment for the evening, can i? Will i be ok? They say a smoke or two a day is fine… hmmm. I’m not convinced, but i’ll probably learn the hard way.

Ahh, the long weekend is over. It was a good long weekend, although now i find i’m getting all sentimental for a variety of reasons…

I was in winnipeg for a friends wedding. The wedding was great, all went as planned. I even got to do car decorations with my buddy with 30 min before the ceremony. Luckily there was a dollar store nearby and an affinity for tackiness amonst all involved.The picture doesn’t do it justice, we were quite proud, and we did get a few honks.

As with most weddings, there was drinking involved. It was really quite a bender for me and my buddy. On friday nite we checked out winnipeg. It’s pretty drab but we managed to find a club that we’d probably never go to were it in ottawa, but in winnipeg it was a goldmine. And we drank. The day of the wedding, hungover, we also drank. Sunday was mostly a right off spent briefly in the gym and pool, and mostly in bed. Then, we went to the happy couple’s home, and drank some more. Big surprise. I was glad to get home, but still feel woozy.

Some points of note:

I smoked. Wedding nite it started, had 5 or so, then probably the same on sunday. I don’t give two shits either, i wanted too, i enjoyed it, and thats that. I didn’t smoke today, and didn’t really want too… only minor temptation. We’ll see if i can keep this up.

I realized in the cab home from the airport today that i really do love ottawa as a city. I think its great, the people are mostly great, the sites are great, the places are great, hell our airport is pretty great. This is certainly my home, and probably will be for the rest of my life i think. Part of it is my personality and my social life with friends, but thats fine. I like being comfortable, feeling i have a place and that i belong somewhere, and i certainly feel that here. Compared to what i saw of winnipeg, we got it so dang good here.

There was this beer store in winnipeg that was so drab and scary, and so representative of lower class, blue collar, alcoholic life. It was depressing and scary, but i was there buying beer in my nice shirt surrounded by flies, filth, smells, and a cigarette machine, and was as much a part of its rhythm as the rest. It was weird, and summarizes my reoccuring saddness about the misfortune and hardships in everyones lives.

I finished the 6th book in the sword of truth series. The books always start slow, but once you’re within 250 pages of the end, they pick up and get really good. I get extra emotional when i’m hungover, lacking seratonin or something as is usual with emotional exhibitions, and the book had me welling up waterworks for the entire last 50 pages. It reminded me of some burnt out sunday of my adolesence lacking emotional stability and crying openly at some corny made for tv movie i can’t even remember anymore.

And lastly, this is the time (day actually) of the year where summer starts fading away and cool winds approach. This day used to be so hard during public and high school, so reflective, so sentimental, so depressing. The future shouldn’t be depressing, but looking to see another year of school was hard. Things are very different now, there is no school, but that feeling is still there. The future is very bright for me now, yet i feel gloom surrounding me. As an attempt to brighten my mood, I think i’ll play some guitar on the front step and pretend i’m in grade 12, and for once, looking forward to a new school year….

My reflections of last night are much different now than they were last night. Its now 12:13 and i finished that last post around 3:45 i think. Much time has been wasted, my “weekend” is already a good quarter over, its time to get moving.

A friend of mine recently decided to give up the spirits. “With my every move i will cast these evil spirits from my life and into the deepest hottest pits of a religous hell!!!!”. I think i’ll hack one vice at a time, but i’m a very vice oriented person. Always looking down at what is in front of me trying to find satisfaction from inanimate objects. Right now, i’ll use coffee, later, perhaps food or vodka. I think its silly, its totally manufactured from habit, and should be kept in perspective.