tap my glass

So every day i change, and every day gets a little different, sometimes harder, most of the times easier. I’m coming to terms with things better now, not so angsty, more understanding. Running long distances helps put things in perspective, and i’ve been doing a lot of that lately.

I can scoff instead of resent the brooding 17 year old fashionista i pass at 7am in the percy underpass, with her frail grip on her morning smoke. I can accept that most smokers live in complete denial that their butts are garbage and pollution, and they’ll always be on the sidewalk to be avoided or flattened once again by my heavy feet. I can smile at the 20-something hip government dude on his way to the archives, halling back on heaven - his initial reason to get out of bed in the morning. Or the older more somber folks outside early in the morning at that weird group home with the awful green awning and park bench on glebe ave.. And all my friends and family and everyone else i know that smokes, i can accept it. I will probably still get annoyed if they interrupt a perfectly good conversation, activity, or pastime, to “take a break” and satisfy their addiction, but i’ll learn to deal with it.

Its really amazing though how long it took my body to recover from it, but now that i’m through the worst, how much more efficient my body is… its really great, i wished i had done it sooner, but am very thankful its at least done with. My lungs work way better, my digestive system is definitely more functional, and i’m stronger. And i get more done because i’m taking less breaks… an arguable benefit.

When something has been a part of me for almost half my life, its hard to let go, and i’ll be doing it forever (or at least as long as i did it for). And now, i’m happy about that too.

I do have to say though, without the smoke breaks to take from hardcore renovations, beers sure are going down smoother.

I was walking out of my building at work today, and a few steps in front of me were 2 folks, smokes in hand. Before opening the door to the outside, the first lady lights her smoke, ensures it is lit, then proceeds to open the door. Not only did i have to wait a second or two for them to proceed, i had to hall in her ass air.

I was in the midst of a conversation, and quite taken offguard, and meek, so i didn’t say anything. All i could muster was a dirty snarl… which i’d like to believe is quite out of character. But holy fuck, whats with people?

This lady, who’d been smoking at least 10 years by the looks of her, should be fuckin capable of lighting her life stick on fire with a bit of breeze on a zero degree day… but no, she decided she should light it inside so all folks that have to walk through for the next hour, not to mention the folks in her midst (ie me), will have the unpleasant experience of halling back her ass air. The air she breathes is ass, she exhales ass, death, and intoxication, and feels its her absolute privilege to do so.

Well, its not a privilege, its not a right, its a demon. One that haunts people every second of every day, and infects those around them in ways their blindness renders them unable to see. How would you feel if you were in the midst of an intense emotional conversation with someone, really breaking ground, and then you find out that they’re really only invoking a steadily declining 50% of their brain on the conversation. That more and more they’re mind is actually drifting off into other areas, areas that are beginning to manipulate their coherent then-and-now. This is the mind of an addictive personality, one that smokes at least once every hour or two, every single day of their lives, and feels it is there right/privilege/gift to interrupt any and every experience of their lives, every hour or two, to satisfy the urge. Its not their fault that other non-smokers are inconvenienced by this, they have to put up with it, cause its the smokers right…. ha!!

Smoking is great in so many ways, and so bad in so many more ways. Its fuckin pathetic, and its people like the lady smoking in the entranceway that give smokers a bad name. Now that i’m not really one of them, i see it/them in a different light. I miss it. And i’m a total hypocrite. I’m beginning to get insulted when someone would rather spend time destroying their body and satisfying a pathetic urge to bring chemical happiness to their lives than spend that time with me. But thats what it does. It makes you feel there is nothing else more important. Well, life is more important. There is a time and place for everything, and if the smoking culture around here wasn’t so god damn all encompassing and controlling, it wouldn’t be so bad. But everyone around here feels its their right to do it all the time, anywhere, anytime.

I can’t believe i used to throw my butts out the car window. Totally acceptable for me and all my friends. How fucking blind was i? Why is the world my ashtray? My city, streets, sidewalks. As if i just pitched my nasty butts. Thats fucking pathetic, as was i.

I could totally go for a smoke right now. I wouldn’t blow it in anyones face. I wouldn’t smoke it inside. I’d put the butt in the ashtray/garbage. It would make me *feel* good. It would provide pleasure, and it would be sweet for a little while. But i can’t go through the ridiculous lifestyle/introspective interruption it causes again. It is a huge part of who you are. If you’re defined by your actions, what does it mean if a third of your actions for your entire life are to satisfy a pathetic chemical urge? So massive it’s scary. And it kills you physically too…

I’m hoping the cravings go away at some point. Sorry i’m a hypocrite, maybe i can quit that too at some point.

Are there people out there that don’t want to be happy? Is the desire for happiness so inherent, perhaps the only prevelant inherent thing in everyones personality? Can we be happy if we have desires? Is there a grey area? Some would argue not. I definitely believe there is. If we are just our genes, and just our propagation capabilities, then this stasis requires ambivilence, and happiness is the cattle prod to ensure we don’t end it too soon. I for one, welcome happiness, and can think of no better way to spend this sentience. If it is our idea passing capabilites, then i have a lot more to learn, cause this meme business is over my happy head. Ahh, ignorance…

This has been an exciting year for me. For a lot of people. Ups, downs, stasis. I’m writing this in the back room of my place that has been gutted, had new drywall, ceiling, floors, window, etc.. Thats change for ya. And thats only on the surface, what lies beneath is much more interesting. I like that certain things i read and people i listen to reveal that everyone is exploring, all the time. I think going to new places is great, its one of the great advantages to living in an urban area. Of course, you can do this in the bush, but you have to be a lot more observant or creative. Here, there’s always some bloke willing to treat you to some new speciality, sight sound or smell, something that you wouldn’t find in your own backyard (if you’re lucky enough to have one). I think taking advantage of this, and being happy about your discoveries, good or bad, is precious.

Back to the bevelutions. In order for me to maintain this degree of happiness for another year, i think i’ll have to get my health back. It has been slowly depreciating in value as the interest rates my bodies credit pay increase (ie age). Old grey liver, ain’t what she used to be, ain’t what she used to be… actually my liver’s ok, its my lungs that i think suck ass. Need to clean em up, clean em out. Perhaps cleanse time again, perhaps procrastinatory lifestyle, who knows. I’m obsiously non-commital about cleaning, i just read what i just wrote, its from the heart, and it probably means 1 less smoke a month. Shits killing me, for sure.

I believe, as pompous as this may sound, that my recent fortunes have strung from among many other things, my desire for good karma. I believe acts, even if performed in solitude, that make you a better peson, will make you a better person to others as well. Everything you do reflects on your personality. Mabye not right now, but in time, definitely. I try to do the best i can for a) myself and b) people around me. I don’t want to f*ck anyone over, ever. And if i can take a burn, or a burden, or a bruise if it means someone else might have a slight decrease in suffering or pain, i’ll take it. I’m a “confrontation avoider”. Bring it, i’ll fold. And i’ll be happier for it. Boring yes, ignorant probably, happy for 2006 definitely, 2007 hopefully too. Have an uberkickass holdiay if you got one, slack if you don’t, thanks for reading this far in this boring assed biatch of an infrequent rant.

Its been a good year. I have to say, i’m more impressed with optimism than with any other concept this year. I’ve realized it’s the guiding lite, anything else is just a waste of time, or something that should be acknowledged needs working on. I have no room for negativity anymore. I have time for my friends, people i like, people i love, and things i enjoy. I will also make time for things i may not enjoy right now, but hold promise for the future. All else is moldy gravy, totally unworthy of contemplation.

Have you ever been told you’re Joshua? You’re this guy that is so like this guy that its scary, even pathetic. You look so alike, minus eye color, its scary? And words, emails and voicemails alike, all the mails, are erily similar? Very strange. Life continues to weird us all out. Thats never gonna stop, until we’re old and we’re saying “hef fun” with our rusty coils we try to pass off to our grandchildren as slinkys.

Yes, 2005 was a learning experience. No doubt 2006 will be busier, crazier, scarier, and more enviogorating than the last. This is because i’ve embraced confidence and optimism. And because things have turned my way. For all the ways things have turned i am thankful for. If i have one brutally obvious thing i need to work on is to be more selfless, and less self absorbed. I care for others, but rarely do i take part in selfless acts. Even for selfish reasons (ie, to be more selfless) i think they should be done. If i were to make a nwr it would be that. I should, make the time to help others not convinced of the benifits of optimism. Drama is so unnecessary with friends, be and let be, don’t let silly preconceptions and fantasy play a part in reality, when reality is all that should be necessary. Blah blah, merry fuckin xmas, happy new year, and if you’re faced with a question, the answer that best suits the “why the hell not” response, is most likely the scariest but right choice. Go for it, theres really nothing to lose.

I had a full evening.

My day started unusually, especially for a monday. I was up before normal, and was at my desk at 9:07. This is about 30 minutues earlier than usual. Work went quite smoothly, and i was home round 6.

I had many options. I decided, as with most mondays, to just follow my instincts. I had many things on my agenda:
- dinner
- excercise
- social behaviour
- house work
- dart practice

The last one is because my dart season starts tomorrow, and i haven’t practiced at all in the past few months… anyways i’m happy to say, my focused mind (which of late, has been rare) came through in the clutch.

I went for a relatively short run - after my horrible showing on saturday (barely lasted 17 minutes) i did a short run (which for me is about 30, from here, straight south on percy to the canal, to the little glebe park and through it, back to percy, and home). It was great. I guess my cold and respritory illness is waning. I got home and started to fry onions, red peppers and garlic as per this african peanut soop recipe. I’ve been meaning to try this recipe for a week or so, basically to prove that anything involving a can of diced tomatos as half the bulk is never good… i think i’ve been proven wrong.

I had my shower, then finished off the dish. It was actually pretty good. I used chicken broth (sans msg) and cayenne instead of chili powder, but it was pretty good, very satisfying. Something about crunchy peanut butter, you can’t go wrong. I’m still kinda shocked - i think improvements could be made too. More simmer time, slightly less tomatos, and some blending, would probably of made it super kick ass. It didn’t need any salt either, most soops do, i guess the pb had enough.

Anyways, after that… i did the dishes. Then…. i watched some tv. Then… i took out the recycle. Then… ok then i realized i had enuf time to paint the ceiling of my bathroom. So i did. It only took like 30 min. I was quite impressed.

Ok, after that i got dressed (its hot today, after shower, just shorts, quite comfy), and sk8ed up to aloha to meet my buddy. Had a very nice stella, whilst listening to the empricals or something. Normally bands don’t play on mondays as bimal normally does his dj thing, but this monday was different cus the band is going to china or something. Anyways, they were loungy and quite good.

After that pint, off to the oak for some much needed dart practice. To my surprise 2 good regulars were already playing, and so i got some quality games in… saw a couple jump the ‘fence’ and dine and dash… Dave tracked em down, good for him!! Bunch of savages in this town…

As i was paying my tab saw S and said hi. She was with her sis, post backstreet boys concert… ahhh girls. Guys like me are so silly. I don’t even know why she’s appealing, just stupid irrational chemistry i guess, but arggg!!!

Sk8ed home wanting a cigarette REAL bad… if i had only bumped into dart folk outside but i was so streamlined i didn’t think to look. Good thing, i’m sure i’d regret it in the morning. I wonder if i can do it though? And by do it, i mean, when i really want a smoke, thinking it’ll add to my immediate enjoyment for the evening, can i? Will i be ok? They say a smoke or two a day is fine… hmmm. I’m not convinced, but i’ll probably learn the hard way.

Ahh, the long weekend is over. It was a good long weekend, although now i find i’m getting all sentimental for a variety of reasons…

I was in winnipeg for a friends wedding. The wedding was great, all went as planned. I even got to do car decorations with my buddy with 30 min before the ceremony. Luckily there was a dollar store nearby and an affinity for tackiness amonst all involved.The picture doesn’t do it justice, we were quite proud, and we did get a few honks.

As with most weddings, there was drinking involved. It was really quite a bender for me and my buddy. On friday nite we checked out winnipeg. It’s pretty drab but we managed to find a club that we’d probably never go to were it in ottawa, but in winnipeg it was a goldmine. And we drank. The day of the wedding, hungover, we also drank. Sunday was mostly a right off spent briefly in the gym and pool, and mostly in bed. Then, we went to the happy couple’s home, and drank some more. Big surprise. I was glad to get home, but still feel woozy.

Some points of note:

I smoked. Wedding nite it started, had 5 or so, then probably the same on sunday. I don’t give two shits either, i wanted too, i enjoyed it, and thats that. I didn’t smoke today, and didn’t really want too… only minor temptation. We’ll see if i can keep this up.

I realized in the cab home from the airport today that i really do love ottawa as a city. I think its great, the people are mostly great, the sites are great, the places are great, hell our airport is pretty great. This is certainly my home, and probably will be for the rest of my life i think. Part of it is my personality and my social life with friends, but thats fine. I like being comfortable, feeling i have a place and that i belong somewhere, and i certainly feel that here. Compared to what i saw of winnipeg, we got it so dang good here.

There was this beer store in winnipeg that was so drab and scary, and so representative of lower class, blue collar, alcoholic life. It was depressing and scary, but i was there buying beer in my nice shirt surrounded by flies, filth, smells, and a cigarette machine, and was as much a part of its rhythm as the rest. It was weird, and summarizes my reoccuring saddness about the misfortune and hardships in everyones lives.

I finished the 6th book in the sword of truth series. The books always start slow, but once you’re within 250 pages of the end, they pick up and get really good. I get extra emotional when i’m hungover, lacking seratonin or something as is usual with emotional exhibitions, and the book had me welling up waterworks for the entire last 50 pages. It reminded me of some burnt out sunday of my adolesence lacking emotional stability and crying openly at some corny made for tv movie i can’t even remember anymore.

And lastly, this is the time (day actually) of the year where summer starts fading away and cool winds approach. This day used to be so hard during public and high school, so reflective, so sentimental, so depressing. The future shouldn’t be depressing, but looking to see another year of school was hard. Things are very different now, there is no school, but that feeling is still there. The future is very bright for me now, yet i feel gloom surrounding me. As an attempt to brighten my mood, I think i’ll play some guitar on the front step and pretend i’m in grade 12, and for once, looking forward to a new school year….